Heartfelt dialogues: Navigating life’s tough topics as we age

by Jennifer Traglia, Kidron Bethel Village Executive Director

As families prepare for later years, discussing important topics like health, wellbeing, safety and financial security can be challenging, especially when loved ones have been managing their affairs independently. These conversations often cause anxiety and can touch on painful issues. While the pressure to have these conversations can feel heavy, it doesn’t have to be that way. 

Unique family dynamics such as birth order, familial roles and communication styles can complicate these discussions. Understanding whether a loved one is a low-or high-intensity communicator, for instance, can make a difference. 

By using specific techniques to foster a respectful and open dialogue, families can navigate these difficult conversations effectively, allowing everyone to express their concerns and contribute to a meaningful plan. 

PREPARE 

When addressing complex topics like late-life goals and desires, estate planning or daily support needs, anticipate multiple conversations to move from sharing concerns to taking first actionable steps. Create a collaborative environment by scheduling a convenient time for everyone and choosing a neutral, comfortable and private space. Focus on achieving a plan that supports the late-life goals.

AGREE TO GROUND RULES 

To get everyone in step, decide how to navigate the discussions. Ground rules must include: 

• Each person sharing their goals and ideal outcome for the talk. Often, the overarching goal is pretty similar across conversations – to support the best quality of life. 
• Take turns to share perspectives so each person can be heard. 
• Agree to be hard on the issue, yet soft on the people involved. 
• Take notes and review them together, outlining next steps.
• Agree to take breaks or even stop the conversation if necessary. 

RELY ON EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS

• Bring your most neutral, impartial self to the conversation and leave all the usual baggage – busy schedule, history, differences in values, etc. – at the door. 
• Engage your active listening skills. Listen to understand, not to respond. Summarize what the other person is saying to check for accuracy. This often invites important clarification. 
• Sometimes conversations can be stilted by what’s not being said. Perhaps there is a fear too painful to express. Through your words and actions, demonstrate that the conversation is a safe, appropriate place to address all concerns. 
• If you reach an impasse, rely on the power of love. A simple “I love you” and “I care about your happiness” can recalibrate the conversation to keep it on track.

AVOID COMMON PITFALLS 

• Listen to everyone, including yourself. 
• Stay calm and resist the urge to raise your voice to be heard or to match another’s volume. 
• Be aware of assumptions that may get in the way. 

There is no doubt that being open and honest about the unknowns in late life can lead to feelings of vulnerability. Yet, collaborative family planning has significant benefits. Not only does it avoid a guessing game for your loved ones, the process also serves as a crucial model for future generations. 

If handled with care and empathy, tough conversations can be an important step toward strengthening trust that makes challenging circumstances easier to navigate together.