Oh, to belong!
by Marla Schmidt, Bluestem PACE Director of Social Work
Anyone who has studied psychology can probably recite Abraham Maslow’s famously theorized five categories of basic needs that motivate human behavior. This pyramid theory states that after the needs of survival and safety and security are met, the very next layer of human need is to belong, including seeking connection, acceptance and love. Maslow theorized that these basic needs, once met, provide the basis for individuals to lean into a greater development of self-esteem and self-respect and can pave the way to self-actualization.
Over more than 25 years of working in the field of social work, I have witnessed, in real and tangible ways, the universal human quest to belong. I have had the privilege of working with youth struggling with mental health issues, newly resettled refugees from around the world, elementary-age children and their families, and, now, adults age 55 and better through my work at Bluestem PACE. While the avenues to obtain belonging and acceptance vary from one person to the next, the basic need to belong is universal.
I have no doubt that you have experienced this need yourself. Maybe you were a child who hoped to not be chosen last for the kickball team or had wondered if you’d receive a party invitation. As an adult I have moved to new communities and wondered, “Who will be my friend?” As a parent I have wondered, “Will my children be accepted for who they are?” At PACE I hear 80-year-olds wonder whether they will make friends when they join the program. The desire to belong and the fear of not belonging is not confined to any one age group or demographic.
These fears about not belonging are real. Do you ever avoid social settings, like I sometimes do, to avoid the fears of sitting alone? Some individuals who again and again experience a sense of disconnect and routinely lack a sense of belonging find it easier to withdraw from the world. It may be easier to do that than feel the pain of being left out or the loneliness of standing near the punch bowl and having no one talk to you for the evening.
But there is a remedy to this sense of feeling left out. That remedy is someone reaching across the divide, extending welcome and acceptance. I have found acceptance in simple gestures like: a note from a coworker thanking me for providing a listening ear; a hug from a family member; a text from a friend saying she was sending me warm thoughts and prayers; a note from a supervisor saying “I am grateful you are on our team”; an invite to dinner; someone actively seeking to understand my thoughts on a topic; seeing a sign in the airport saying “welcome” in 15 different languages; and a neighbor bringing me a plate of cookies to welcome me to the neighborhood. My hope and prayer for you is that you have individuals in your circle of connection who help you experience belonging.
May we each also find ways to help others experience connection. Even small acts of kindness can have a profound impact on someone’s sense of belonging. May we each see those individuals around us who are in the margins longing to belong. May our hearts notice those in our midst seeking connection. And may our hands and feet carry out loving actions so those around us know that they truly are accepted, welcomed and loved.
Oh, to belong…let us make that a reality for each person we meet!